Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
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Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Lassie, get help!
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
This is Sparta
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.