if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
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Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
The Struggle
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Usage Guidelines
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
That time Alicia messaged me
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.