Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
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A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Britain be like
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.