Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
You Might Also Like
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
“The Perfect Relationship”
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent