Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
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MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
asking santa clause for nudes
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.