My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
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Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Dudes named Chance never had one.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right