Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
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grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
*puts words between two asterisks*
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Was it something I said?
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.