establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
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Hey! This isn’t my car!
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing