My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
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Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
#Caturday
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do