I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
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[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Same pineapple, same
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Going into Monday like
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !