Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
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Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.