One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
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Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.