I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
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My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
my mom making me talk to relatives
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
just pretend nothing happened
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals