Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
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Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.