Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
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“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
So the ex texted me
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI