A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
You Might Also Like
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?