Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
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My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills