Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
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If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
saving face 👀
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”