Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
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Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.