Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
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Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*