Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
You Might Also Like
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.