SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
You Might Also Like
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.