Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
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The Assassin.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Blew out my flip flop…
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
58.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.