Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
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[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”