looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
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Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.