“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
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Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so