My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
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People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.