Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
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My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Worth a try
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”