A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
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“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
HR said no more nunchucks.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.