What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
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Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
*has no idea what a book even is*
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Y’all know who you are.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Who says great literature is dead?
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?