I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
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Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Something Saturday.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.