Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
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All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs