Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
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Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?