I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
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I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.