STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
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somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.