What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
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“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
me when the borders lift
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?