teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
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I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I mean…but I did
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os