Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry