My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold