A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
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Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*