If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
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Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Jurassic park gets weird
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before