In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
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I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges