Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
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I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I’d hang this in my house.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School