I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
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Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.