one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
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yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Happy Caturday!
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.