Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”