I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
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*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.