BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
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I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.