when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
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wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!