Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
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right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
✌🏽
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.